Blue Eyes
by Chenanceou
Summary: Watching reruns I caught an episode where Giles sings "Behind Blue Eyes" by the Who. That song is all about Spike. S/B ship all the way.


Title: BLUE EYES 1/1  
  
By: Chen  
  
Disclaimer: BEHIND BLUE EYES belongs to The Who. I am only quoting the lyrics and am no way talented enough to write something that good. Joss and Mutant Enemy own all that I love, i.e. Spike and all other Buffy characters. I am not worthy. I am not worthy. I sound like one of Glory's minions… Who also belong to Joss.  
  
Spoilers: None. This is my own invented Buffyverse. Buffy is DENIAL!BUFFY, but not for long.  
  
A/N : Inspired by seeing an old episode from season 4. The one where Buffy's roommate at college turns out to be a demon? When Willow, Oz and Xander go look for Giles they find him singing a The Who song (BEHIND BLUE EYES). The song is All. About. Spike. And so is this fic. Which I own. The fic, that is.  
  
*  
  
He picked up the guitar. For a second he looked at it as if he didn't believe he had it in his hands. Actually he * couldn't * believe it. It had been a while… New York… The 70's. It had been a weird and interesting time. He had killed his second Slayer… //No! Don't even go there mate!// Spike told himself. He felt like a poof. He sighed and decided to get it over with. With more determination he positioned the instrument and closed his eyes. It was now or never.  
  
No one knows what it's like  
  
To be the bad man  
  
To be the sad man  
  
Behind blue eyes  
  
Even though he was singing softly the noise around him started dying down. Buffy had stopped talking and was looking at the stage with her mouth open. SPIKE?! SPIKE singing?! Oh! My! G'd! He was not that bad either… His voice was seductive and haunting…  
  
No one knows what it's like  
  
To be hated  
  
To be fated  
  
To telling only lies  
  
He was letting all his feelings come through in the song. The words came out with a bitter sadness that was hard to miss. He was singing about his life. He was singing about who he was and what he felt. This song was him. He prayed to Buffy's G'd that she would get it. He had tried to explain it to her so many times… She always walked away. Even if he was making a complete fool out of himself, she at least was going to hear it all this time. It was his last card to play…  
  
But my dreams  
  
They aren't as empty  
  
As my conscience seems to be  
  
I have hours, only lonely  
  
My love is vengeance  
  
That's never free  
  
Buffy had gotten up from her seat and before she realized it, she was standing in front of the stage. She was not alone there. The vampire had silenced the Bronze. People were gravitating towards the stage, drawn by the music. They were all listening to the song. It was an intimate moment taking place in front of a crowd. There he was: baring all his feeling in front of the world. Peeking into somebody's soul, even if this somebody happened to have no soul to begin with, was having a hypnotic effect on Buffy and on the audience…  
  
No one knows what it's like  
  
To feel these feelings  
  
Like I do  
  
And I blame you  
  
He had looked straight at Buffy. Their eyes locked. She wanted to look away. She wanted to run and hide. Hide from him. Hide from his accusation. Hide from the meaning behind his words. Hide from the raw feelings that were surrounding her. His voice was everywhere. She couldn't…  
  
No one bites back as hard  
  
On their anger  
  
None of my pain and woe  
  
Can show through  
  
I will always have the demon inside me. But I also know I can control it. I am the master of me. I can make choices. I have made them. I chose to fight by your side. I chose to embrace my love for you. I have made these choices alone Buffy. I had to. I fight the demon everyday. I * win * the battle everyday. The reason I win is you…  
  
But my dreams  
  
They aren't as empty  
  
As my conscience seems to be  
  
I have hours, only lonely  
  
My love is vengeance  
  
That's never free  
  
The song picked up its tempo and he was almost spitting the words now. His voice was angry, but his eyes had a look of purpose in them. He never released her eyes. She knew he was singing this to her. It made her feel uncomfortable, but also excited. Like reading someone's diary… You know you shouldn't, but couldn't help yourself…  
  
When my fist clenches, crack it open  
  
Before I use it and lose my cool  
  
When I smile, tell me some bad news  
  
Before I laugh and act like a fool  
  
He was smiling at her now. She knew why… She too enjoyed it when they did their dance. She was like him… she had her bad ass posture. Unbeatable Buffy and the Big Bad Spike. As if! They were both much more vulnerable than they let the world see. Masks… Both of them had their own masks…  
  
If I swallow anything evil  
  
Put your finger down my throat  
  
If I shiver, please give me a blanket  
  
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat  
  
He smiled at her. She was smiling back at him! He flashed her with his ever present duster as a joke. He was starting to enjoy this. It wasn't such a nancy boy idea after all. He so wished * she * would keep him warm. He needed her. When was she going to come to her senses and admit to the fact that she needed him just as much? The longing he felt made him close his eyes. He sang his last verse…  
  
No one knows what it's like  
  
To be the bad man  
  
To be the sad man  
  
Behind blue eyes  
  
*  
  
The silence after the end of the last note seemed natural. He was still looking at Buffy when the rest of the audience came back to life and started clapping. And they clapped and clapped. Spike didn't hear them. Buffy didn't hear them. They just stared at each other. He had a defiant gaze that said: take me as I am and * this * is who I am. Hers was full of awe and something else, some emotion that Spike couldn't recognize. It was a new one, one he hadn't seen before… And he knew all of the Slayers expressions better than he knew his own. What in bloody hell was she thinking? The crowd finally manage to penetrate their microcosm and Spike turned to thank them. Buffy was relieved that the eye lock had ended. It had been so intense. She couldn't organize her emotions. She was trying hard to, but was unable to…  
  
"You know what? I give up."  
  
"What do you give up Slayer?"  
  
Spike was there in front of her and had she said that out loud?!  
  
"So what's with the new career Spike?" She was covering and knew it. Hell, he knew it too. She could tell by the tilt of his head and the smirk he was sporting. The question was: would he bite or would he insist on "talking"?  
  
"I thought I would try something new Slayer…" Good, he was biting, no heart to heart… She had managed to buy some time. She could get away from "feelings talk", she could always get him to …  
  
"Buffy…" Damn. She knew that tone… It was going to be a heart to heart. She considered walking away from him. She looked at him and her heart caved. He had serenaded her in a room full of people. He had serenaded her at the Bronze…  
  
"Yes, Spike…" Her voice surprised him. He had been expecting the usual impatience and exasperation… He had watched the fast play of emotions on her face. Instead she sounded sweet. Sweet?!  
  
"Hey man, that was amazing! Did you write that song dude?" Some zitface was slapping Spike on the back. Buffy chuckled at the horrified look on Spike's face.  
  
"No you git. It's The Who."  
  
"Who?" Zitface was too clueless even for Buffy. Plus Spike looked like he was ready to loose it.  
  
"C'mon Spike. Let's go." She took his hand (she is holding MY hand?!) and led him through the backdoor.  
  
*  
  
"Can you believe that stupid bint?"  
  
"It is the price of fame. Next they will be asking for your autograph. And think about it… A rock star can be all eccentric. I heard some even drink blood. You could have a fan club and groupies!" Buffy was babbling and she knew it.  
  
They were outside the Bronze now. Back in the alley. So déjà vu. Spike was looking at her with an amused expression on his face.  
  
"Groupies? I like the sound of that, pet."  
  
"You do, do you?" Her voice betrayed the jealousy she felt.  
  
"Nah, Slayer… I would be more than happy with only one…"  
  
//That is my cue.// Buffy was aware it was time. She had to say something. Except she couldn't. Not with his body so close to hers. She let go of his hand and saw the wounded and resigned look replace the happiness that had been there in his eyes.  
  
"Spike, I have to tell you something…" She waited for him to say something… But he didn't. OK, he was not going to help her at all.  
  
"Spike…"  
  
"Buffy, for all that is unholy – say it already! I already know my name… No use repeating it." He just wanted to get it over with. He had hoped the song would change something. Anything. He thought it had. He had seen her face while he was singing. And then there was that new look… The one he couldn't place… the look that she was looking at him right now…  
  
"That was pretty amazing… What you did in there."  
  
"Thank you, love." OK, so she wasn't going to make fun of him.  
  
"Do you really feel that way?"  
  
"Yes, Buffy… I do. Every word" He resolved to tempt fate and took a step towards her. "You know I do."  
  
"But you don't tell lies… You haven't lied to me. Have you?" She too resolved to tempt fate and took a step towards him.  
  
"No, love, I don't lie to you. Haven't lied to you in a long time." Another step closer.  
  
"And you are not hated Spike…" One step closer. "I don't hate you…"  
  
"It's good to know, love…" He knew the next step was going to place him tortuously close to her. Bugger it all! Torture was OK. So he took it.  
  
"Spike…"  
  
He chuckled. She kept repeating his name. The proximity of her body was doing all sorts of marvelous things to his. Sweet torture. He welcomed it.  
  
They stood like that… a breath away from each other.  
  
Buffy looked deep into his eyes… Maybe all she had to do was look at him. Maybe she wouldn't have to actually say it. He was Mr. Insightful wasn't he? Couldn't he read her like a book? He had always known what she was feeling. Had always understood. She let go and willed all that was inside her heart shine through her eyes…  
  
Spike was lost in her eyes. He was puzzled still by that soft and intense look she had given him before and was giving him again… A flash pierced his brain and would have stopped his heart, had he one. He knew what that look meant now. The surge of emotion that ran through him was like a tidal wave. He * knew * what that look meant now! He could feel his hands begin to tremble. It was too much. It was a bloody revelation!  
  
Buffy saw his eyes and was relieved. He understood. He knew. There was no going back now.  
  
"Spike, I don't hate you." Her voice was so soft it caressed him.  
  
"I don't hate you either Buffy… You know I…"  
  
"I love you." She had said it? Funny how easy it had been.  
  
G'd he was dying again. So much happiness was going to kill him. The fact that he was already dead slipped his mind. Perhaps because he felt so alive. All the clichés were true. Time * did * stop. He * did * hear music. His heart * was * singing.  
  
"Spike? Are you OK?" Buffy was worried… He was standing there with his eyes open wide and breathing (Spike was breathing?!) in fast, shallow breaths.  
  
Buffy's voice brought him back to the alley. The most beautiful alley in the world! With extreme gentleness, afraid to shatter what was surely a dream, he embraced her.  
  
"Say it again. Make it real Buffy."  
  
She understood what he meant. She needed to make it real too. She drew away from him enough so he could see her face. She was so happy. Wow. She was more than happy. She felt… complete. Who would've thought Spike could give her so much once she allowed him?  
  
"William. I. Love. You." She saw the surprise on his face at hearing his name. She also saw he understood why she had called him by his human name.  
  
"I can be William, but only for you."  
  
She turned her face up, offering much more than a kiss. Spike lowered his mouth to touch her gently on the lips. Their first true kiss. He was definitely going to take his time.  
  
Lips of Spike. Spike lips. She let out a sigh. It felt so good.  
  
The kissing deepened… Every now and again Buffy came out for air, just to go back for more. They held each other closer and closer. Spike couldn't stop telling her how much he loved her… How she was everything to him… She responded in kind. Telling him everything she felt in rushed breaths, between kisses… She tried to draw him even closer…  
  
"Love, as much as I am loving this – and I am – we are still in the alley…"  
  
"So we are. C'mon Blue Eyes… Let's go home." 


End file.
